I spent a long time being awake last night. I forgot that that’s what placenta pills do when I take them too late in the day. :) In fact, I was pretty much awake and thinking from 1:30 onwards through each of Little Bean’s nighttime feedings. I was thinking about parenting. Specifically, I was thinking about how Mr. Partner sucked at being a partner and a parent and how I needed to get another kickass job so I could raise Little Bean without him ever. Oh boy. I read a lot of Aha! Parenting on my tablet, and I finally came across this article about cherishing your newborn and I realized that a lot of the things that I was blaming Mr. Partner for were actually my own shortcomings that had nothing to do with him. I was displacing my own fears of not being able to be the parent that I want to be onto him unfairly. Hooray for me that I figured it out before morning!
I kept saying to myself before Little Bean was born that Mr. Partner and I just needed to make it through one year with Little Bean. Just one year, because that one year was going to be the hardest and if we could do that we could do anything. I need to remember that when I’m feeling extra crappy, and be more honest with my feelings to myself and to those around me. I have a list floating around here somewhere of all the positive things about Mr. Partner that I absolutely adore, and just thinking about what’s on it without actually reading it always helps me to reorient myself in terms of thinking about our relationship. I highly recommend you make a similar list about your partner… not just in your head, but actually written down, on paper. Make it real. You don’t need to show them, he doesn’t know about mine, but just having it will help you through the hard times.
Writing down what you’re feeling at the time helps too. Let go of the guilt and let it out so that you can analyze it and figure out what’s really going on after you let it all out. Reach out to others. Get out of the house. Go for a walk! Paint your nails. Shave your legs… or at least maybe your armpits. ;) It all helps. But especially the mind-barfing. You can’t feel better until you barf out all of those big big emotions in your head into print… once they’re outside of you they become smaller and easier to tackle and understand. Just remember: you are loved. :)