Hey all. It’s been a long time since I posted here… but better late than never, right? Things have been going really well with Little Bean and me. I wish you could meet him! He is so smiley and happy, and a joy to be around. I am proud of him every single day… lately he’s been getting really good at pushing himself up during tummy-time. Next week he’ll be 5 months old… can you believe how much time has flown? I certainly can’t. I’ve gotten my professional site, Mel Adamei’s Dev Shop, up and running and even have a few clients now too. (Check it out! I am happy to do distance work as well!) A lot has been going on over here. :)
Anyway, I recently borrowed a water ring sling from a friend who just recently had her baby. Like, had her baby a day prior to me coming over to borrow the sling, and it hit me pretty hard.
And by “hard” I mean I was crying. We may be past the postpartum depression now, but I still look back and grieve for our missed “special” time when he was so small and new on this planet. I wish that I had been able to enjoy him more, and that I took the opportunity to do what everyone told me to do: to snuggle up in bed, forget about the rest of the world, and just be with him. Me and my squish. My squish and me. No one else. Just us. I wish I hadn’t made it a point to showcase how “awesome” I could be, that I could still cook and clean and take care of a new little baby. It feels so… selfish now. I wish I hadn’t done that.
I didn’t get to see her new squish (a baby boy!) when I picked up the sling. Her husband brought it out to me, as she was doing what I didn’t do. What I chose not to do. What I didn’t know that I should have done. I’m in a weird place where I feel simultaneously understanding of my actions and guilty for them. But, when I thought about how she must be up in bed all happy and snug… it stung a little. I had just finished breastfeeding Little Bean in the front seat before walking up to the door, and watching him eat… it really hit me hard. I missed our missed time.
If there’s one thing that I could tell a new mother with PPD now, in retrospect, it would be that even though it is hard, and even though your thoughts are scary… do whatever it is that you can to find some way to enjoy how new your little is. This time never comes back, can never be replaced, and is so so important. There is so much to marvel at in your little one, just stare deep into his eyes and smile as much as you can. You will love and thank yourself for this more than you can know later on.